Sunday, September 23, 2012

New Life; No worries

Everything needs to be so official. Wise words, a firm structure. I'm struggling lately, trying to find out who I am. No one mentioned how hard this was going to be..

A happy face. This isn't the place to breakdown. Strong words. You can only speak with complete certainty. With so much inconsistency, how can I be certain of anything? The list of guidelines continues to grow. I'm trying so hard to make the cut. I just want to be respected as an individual. I will not go so far as to change my moral mindset to get what I want, but I'm struggling to find the in-between. Is there an in-between?

I am young. I have my entire life ahead of me. There's so much potential, they keep telling me. As I get older, I am recognizing more and more negativity that somehow passed me by as a child. I never knew how much hate there was in the world. Innocent lives taken, accidents, nothing can truly be apprehended. God hit me hard. 

I can't say for certain where I was, or what exactly I was doing. What I know is that my entire mindset was shifted backwards completely. My heart began to ache for so many people.. It was like I gained this immense sense of sympathy in my soul. I didn't know.. I didn't recognize the impact of my words before. I didn't know she was listening to the words I spoke; I never knew she regarded me as some form of role-model. All I knew was that I was getting so tired of playing a role I was never made to be. I had worked so hard to create this person.. this girl who was tough, sarcastic, and rarely showed what she really felt. I strayed away from talking about God so openly- in attempt to avoid any conflict. She was fine. I was fine. I made a lot of friends, who all had differing beliefs. I worked hard to remain neutral. I knew God, in my heart. But I figured that was for my heart only. 

Something wasn't right. He knew it, too. God hit me hard. 

An epiphany hit me. My heart longed to read my bible.. I wanted to talk about some of the things I never really understood. It was a transformation I could have never foreseen. It was beautiful.. Like the words that I read were directed toward me personally. The Bible verse that stuck with me the most, in the beginning, was Matthew 6:34. No worries.. No worries? How do you take that? If someone would have come up to me during the earlier years of my life and told me not to worry, I would have assumed they were insane. It seemed nearly impossible to not worry. School, friends, all of the worries of a teenage mind.. and No worries? It stuck with me, though. I found a peace greater than just a worry-less mind. It was a worry-less soul. God hit me hard. 

I can explain the revival I went through. It was an intense passion that made my entire being ache for the presence of God. It made me question how it was so easy for me to breathe before knowing God so intimately.. How did I live so comfortably? The answer to that question is simple. I didn't. I was uncertain, broken, and so very lonely. 

God has brought me so many opportunities in my life. A Bible study at my school, an amazing youth group and church when I was growing up, and amazing group of people I would not trade the world for. I have grown up now (for the most part ;)) and my perspective on life has changed completely. I fear God instead of the stupid worries of this world. I have this confident hope that there is a greater place in which I will truly belong. I have placed my life and everything I am into Greater Hands. I know that with God things will not necessarily be easier, but they sure will be worth it. I live my life with a greater purpose, because I have realized this life isn't my own. There's this bigger picture, and it's beautiful. There's this greater love, and it never fails. I will not be abandoned. I am forgiven. 

So today, I will love. I will live in complete and utter awe toward the One and only God who Lives, Loves, forgives, and who saves. 

Awake, Alive, and Blessed. I have all I need.<3
Praise God, keeper of my heart. 
Psalm 27:4 :) 

1 comment:

  1. This is absolutely beautiful, Alex. God is working through you now. THese and all the words you are about to write are helping someone who might be fighting the same battle. Everyone needs to know that they are not alone...and with God, we are NEVER alone. Thanks for this wonderfully raw piece. You're so brave to be so young yet so strong in finding your purpose. I believe you're doing it now. God BLess.